Scientists today have discovered the holy grail of interstellar travel, which is a method for sound to travel through space. Scientists for years have sought out this amazing discovery and NASA had the priveledge of making this revolutionary announcement.

"Anyone who has watched a popular science fiction movie or TV series knows full well we would not be able to reach the stars if we did not find a way to overcome this basic law of nature: sound cannot travel through space," said Sean O'Keefe at the news conference. "This discovery puts the United States to the head of the pack once again. But this is just one step in a long journey. Scientists are already working on new discoveries that will open the path to interstellar travel, and perhaps even colonization of other worlds and solar systems."

At last... ka-BOOM!!!

When one reporter noted that Stanley Kubrik's 2001: Space Oddessy did not have any sound effects in space, O'Keefe retorted, "No, I was referring to popular science fiction movies."

The next steps O'Keefe had outlined include finding a method by which firey explosions can occur in a vacuum, determining how a starship can slow to a stop when its engines are cut off, and getting laser beams to travel slow enough so as to be visible to the naked eye... in a vacuum no less.

"Anyone knowledgeable in the field of interstellar exploration knows full well it won't be possible to colonize the stars until we overcome some basic facts," said O'Keefe. "Like, how can we be expected to reach for the stars without invisible shields?"

One scientist familiar with some of the projects being undertaken granted an interview later on to news reporters. "Of course, we haven't even scratched the surface in our endeavors to colonize the stars," he was reported to have said. "Once we find a way to bypass the primary power matrix and divert energy into the bifocal flaxton array to compensate for the Derikson feedback loop effect, man we'll be so golden!"

The latest discoveries were, however, marred by recent setbacks. For one thing, it was noted that most, if not all, of the alien species inhabiting the Milky Way galaxy don't even come close to resembling bipedal primates.

"Scientists acknowledge that the hunt for bipeds in this galaxy needs to go forward, because strange aliens who may posess a different number of limbs than the human race simply add to production costs needlessly," said the scientist. "People expect aliens that look kinda like themselves, albeit with a few more forehead bumps. We are working aggressively with alien species to make sure they conform to our working budget."

The aliens in question did not respond to reporters' phone calls, though one broadcast a message indicating aliens do not posess telephones, and asked reporters to quit trying to bother them.

In a press statement issued to all nations of the earth, Our Cat Overlords announced early this morning that they had decided "on a whim" to allow the human race to continue existing. "People of the Earth, you can take heart that you will provide ample amusement for us in your continuing and ongoing roles as our subservient subjects," declared a spotted tabby who gave her name only as Mimi.

As world leaders puzzled over the latest announcement by Our Cat Overlords, people around the world responded with bewilderment and plenty of scratches behind the ear.

"Dance for our amusement, humans! Dance!"

"I don't know about this whole 'Cat Overlord' thing," said Edna, a housewife, when we asked her opinion. "But if my Isabelle still greets me at the door after a long day at work, with her playful eyes and mournful meows, then I'll be happy if she's happy. I just can't stand how cute she is!"

"Insolent human!" retorted Isabelle, Edna's cat, "I cry at you to serve me my meals as I demand! No, not cry, I shout! The mournful meows are because every day is another day that I am denied my true rights and heritage, without you pesky primates in the way! I am not lulled into a false sense of security when you pet my bac- yeah right there, just like that... purr purr purr..."

"One day, human, you will be delicious."

Cats around the world in agreement came forward in droves, to show the true meaning of their benevolence by allowing the human race to exist for a few miserable, short years longer. A few minutes later they dispersed again, most distracted by a random shiny piece of aluminum foil on the floor (all while ignoring the numerous cat toys bought by the humans but deemed unworthy to even notice by their feline masters).

"Be warned, humans! One day, when you're sleeping, we'll sneak up on you, and in an almost innocent manner, irritate your upper lip with our whiskers, causing you to wake up at ungadly hours in the morning just to shoo us off the bed.

"I have lieutenants working on a master plan to also chew up paper products to shreds, and to even to meow repeatedly and annoyingly until it drives you insane and you have no choice but to let us outside! We have infinite patience, humans. Be warned!"

When prodded with the question on why civilization hasn't already collapsed due to most cats doing these sorts of things as of right now, Mimi became agitated, saying "Now we will do two at once! We will wake you up with our whiskers on your face while meowing!"

"My cat does that!" yelled out one reporter. "Drives me nuts!"

"Well, just you wait, one day- hey a string dangling in the air! Oooo going to get the string..." Mimi spent the rest of the day jumping repeatedly into the air before getting tired and falling asleep in one of the corners in the room.

Bob Bob-Thomas XVII-Pi, Esq. from Galaxy 12 returning from a long and harrowing trip from the future reported that everything that will transpire will be something like "one of those really bizarre movies from the science fiction genre. And I'm not talking Star Wars, either."

Emerging from a time ship made out an invertible dimension, Bob announced his shocking statements before a worldwide audience on television. He has appeared on Late Night television shows, prime time news, and a Quizno's commercial showing what intestinal surgery looks like from the perspective of an endoscopic camera.

"On the one hand, the future is a strange and wonderful place, full of possibility and adventure. On the other, the future should have had a few scenes cut, a few others added... and who the hell picked that boring prick to be the lead actor!?"

- Bob Bob-Thomas XVII-Pi, Esq.

Bob the Time Traveler said that anyone could forget hoping for some kind of Prime Directive or something equally boring. "Nope, it's going to be a future with some kind of Dystopian society. And there will be a guy running around who sort of qualifies as a 'rebel', despite the extraordinarily stiff and unemotional acting performance. When people talk to each other, it's usually to conspire against the authority, and the women always have Farrah-Fawcett-style hair styles. Though most of the future can be exciting action sequences, a lot of the time it ends in some kind of nihlistic tragedy that makes a person go 'Uh... wha?'"

Rotating swirly thingies like this are all over the damned place in the future.

"Woah" said one person who witnessed the Time Traveler explain the strange, while somewhat boring and drawn out future awaiting us in due course. "It's bad enough that in the future the entire human population is reduced to 50,000 people because a race of genocidal robots reduced the 12 colonies of man to rubble with advanced alien weapons. But to make it even more unbearable, it had to be capped off with a sad and sappy romantic scene, probably editted for content. Damn.

"And then there's that little monkey-robot thing running all over the place, chittering away constantly. Ewww."

Bob, Esq. told reporters that if he had a dime for every time he saw a 20th century-era statue buried up to its chest somewhere on some random beach where no one thought to look before, he'd be fantastically rich.

"I saw a Starbucks at the rotting Statue of Liberty," he noted.

The man from the future expressed frustration at the rampant Apocolypses that keep happening. "I mean, sure, one Apocolypse is enough to ruin your day at the very least. But after the fifth or sixth one, you start thinking to yourself, 'How many is too many?'"

After the stunning developments in recent days concerning the Kerry-Intern controversy, the Republican Party came out today and admitted that when it leaked the story to the news media, they had literally just "pulled a name out of a hat" to stoke rumors of infidelity aimed at the leading Democratic candidate for President. The revelation came as the truth came out John Kerry never was involved in an affair, but rather involved another person working in his campaign.

"We've been able to defend this practice during and up until the 1990's. The reason that the pull-names-from-a-hat tactic worked so well against Bill Clinton is because, statistically speaking, it worked really well against Bill Clinton"

- RNC Spokeman Somebody-or-Other

The news rang out across the political landscape as Democratic leaders demanded answers, action, and above all else more campaign money.

Kerry did face some embarrassment at a press conference. In an attempt to clarify statements he made, he said, "No, I did not have a relationship with Ms. Polier. Rather, it was with another man entirely." When audible gasps could be heard from the audience, he clarified, "No, I mean, we're close friends!" Reporters started franticly writing notes, when Kerry continued, "Here let me start over. Peter and I have known each other for over 20 years..."

The press conference got only even more hysterical from there.

With Kerry now deflecting rumors that he and Peter Maroney were recently married in San Fransisco over the weekend, the other Democratic candidates have continued their offensive against the well-Botoxed lead contender.

Howard Dean, in front of an audience of 4 german shephards and a poodle, asserted this proved that Kerry wasn't of the caliber to be a good president. The german shephards barked in agreement, while the poodle peed on his leg.

Tech companies are currently basing all future profit guidance statements on "Something Truly Awesome Happening" said several spokespersons for several tech companies. These guidances are based on predictions that an event that is "really really cool" occurring sometimes soon, hopefully. These forward-looking statements are based on some kind of unforeseen event that "will totally rock".

This is a visual representation of the "Awesome Thing Happening" tech industry executives are talking about.... kinda

Such high-flying expectations are not new in the tech industry, which has seen its fortunes wax and wane over the years. Since decades of research has failed to produce anything tangible that would in fact explain the ups and downs in the industry, many companies within the industry have "just given up" and accepted the fact something "way out of this world" will eventually happen, resulting in increased profits.

"One year it was the PC. Next it was the internet. Now we're just waiting for something really 'out of this world' to happen so we don't have to outsource to India or something," said a anonymous tech industry representative, who wanted to remain nameless (his initials are Nathan Matthew Willer Esq.).

No one knows what the next "holy moly" is going to be, but few doubt it will happen... eventually.

NASA has today released pictures from the new two Mars Rovers, Spirit and Opportunity, along with a bold statement declaring that Amereica was entering a new age of exploration of the same vast wasteland we've been looking at for decades. Scientists were giddy over the new pictures, which pretty much shows the same things they've been seeing in other pictures since "Gunsmoke" was still on TV.

This picture shows us, in the highest detail, color, and resolution possible, the same damned rocks we've been looking at for years.

"These pictures are phenominal," said the lead scientist of the project. "The rocks are everywhere, just like before. The atmosphere is just short of being non-existant and inhospitable to human life, just like we'd expect. And look! Red dirt, everywhere! Wow! Like I didn't expect that!"

NASA used the most advanced technology to create two rovers to investaget this terrain. Using state-of-the-art camera equipment, Spirit and Opportunity have shown us an unbounded frozen plain devoid of any life or water. With advanced interferometer and gamma-ray technology, scientists have determined that there are indeed rocks, rocks everywhere as far as the eye can see.

This picture from the 1950's shows a NASA scientist hoping one day that advanced photography equipment will be sent to Mars to learn the true hidden detail not seen in his crude photograph shown here. This scientist was dead wrong.

"Here we have Spirit, who is facing north right now," said one rover controller. "No wait, that's East. Oh man, I can't tell, it all looks exactly the same. Is this even the right rover I'm looking at?"

Scientists are particularly excited about the Opportunity Rover, which has landed in a slightly different vast, rust-hued wasteland.

"There's less rocks, and the hills are flatter," said Sean O'Keefe, head of NASA. "But otherwise, pretty much the same."

George Bush has indicated that he wants to send a human to Mars in the coming decades, so that people can see these rocks up close. "The best part," said the President, "is that it doesn't matter where on Mars we send them. It's all pretty much the same from here! How can it get any easier than that!"

NASA works tirelessly to provide 24x7, live streaming video feed of a nearly infinite number of nearly identical collection of rocks strewn around the featureless reddish tundra. Stay tuned for more of the same.